Societal AssHats

So what do you know about cancer?  My guess is there are 3 groups of people that know cancer, in no particular order they are:

• Oncology pro's - you know, cancer doctors and their amazing staff.  
• Cancer patients, families and friends- yep that's you and me.
• Morons - folks with a morbid fascination about it, probably the life of a party sitting quietly in a corner plotting fun little experiments on captured wildlife.  "Here squirrel, squirrel, squirrel...just one little sip..."

If you're reading this blog you are most definitely part of the second group.  I was in the friend and family portion of that little group up until December, then the bad news happened and I moved right into patient status.  As a friend/family, I really didn't know what it was, or what it meant to have the diagnosis, all I cold do was provide moral support, kindness and understanding to the person.  Feeling sorry for them and silently thanking my lucky stars it didn't happen to me.  

What I always knew, but I think most folks don't know, is that we are all standing on the dartboard of life and life is a pretty damn good player.  We move around this board watching our loved ones get nailed by life's little morbid miracles always thinking it can't or won't happen to me, I've done XYZ so I'm good.  How many folks do you know that will only whisper the word cancer??  As if somehow saying it aloud will alter their DNA and they will develop it, or believe that their lifestyle is an iron clad guarantee against it.  That their organic/fresh/immune boosting/food/clothes/exercise program/attitude/outlook/positive attitude, will somehow guard them against it.  Well I got news for you, enjoy that little fantasy while it lasts.  I can hear the dart sailing through the air. 

If you have read the prior blogs you may be thinking "Gee Fun, what happened?  You were so positive and now so much negativity!"  This is not negative, this is my reality.  I lived in a ridiculous thought process concerning cancer, that somehow I might be different, or somehow my lifestyle would overcome the atrocity.  Never mind that over 50% of males will get cancer in their lifetime, or that I have a bunch of family history of it, nope, I'm good.  

A new reality sets in when you ask your highly trained doctor how long you have, how long before the disease would take you, how long before symptoms will confine you to bed, how long before you are living on the drip of a morphine pump confined to a narcotic prison with fleeting moments of lucidity...when he gives you a date, a date certain on the calendar it is terrifying and also motivating.  For me the terror was fleeting, like a shock when you grab a door handle in the winter time, pow then gone.  The motivation to act was a much deeper response, gaining steam through my mind, preparing me for what is to come.  

As I sit in chemo, a room filled with cancer patients, I get to listen to their journey and their thought process.  Most are fantastic, they are motivated, they are thankful and most of all, they are living their life, not allowing cancer to define them.  

Then the other day, while sitting in the chemo recliner (chemo-cliner), I met the complete opposite, an absolute sad-sack that has completely given in to his cancer.  The kind of person who would end every sentence with "because I have cancer."

"Hey Joe, look at that great blue sky out there."
"Yea, it's the same color as my feelings, blue, because I have cancer."

"Hey Joe, I fixed my kids dirt bike this weekend, man it was fun."
"Yea, I spent the weekend getting ready for my test on Wednesday, because I have cancer."

"Hey Joe, what a great song on the radio."
"Yea, I only listen to support group tapes now, because I have cancer."

Well let me tell you something Joe...GET OVER IT!!!!!!!!  You even told me that you may have 2 years or 20 to live with it, you are almost 20 years older than me, have by all accounts lived a great life...YOU HAVE BEEN BLESSED!!!!  

What do you say we countdown a few things to be grateful for?

1. We are Americans!!!  There are over 7 Billion folks running around this rock of a planet and we have won the human lottery.  Even the poorest of this country have it exponentially better than most folks on the planet.
2. We were born in the 20th century.  Not that long ago all cancer was a death sentence, hell, an ear infection could be a death sentence.  We are recipients of the best medicine that human history can provide.  No leaches or mercury transfusions here, nope, this chemo stuff actually works.
3. You have great health insurance.  We are both sitting here together, surrounded by brilliant, caring and professional folks who only want to help you.  An entire system designed for YOUR health.
4. I was a pilot for over 20 years.  Do you know how many people in human existence looked to the skies and wished they could fly? My guess is that at some point, almost everyone has done it.  I've been able to do it.   
5. We've raised great families.  If you are feeling sorry for yourself, go to Alamosa Colorado.  On the South side of town is the cemetery, and boy oh boy, it is an old one.  The East side is the oldest part, and there you will find rows and rows of tombstones for dead children.  There was a time in this country when we buried kids routinely, when living to the ripe old age of 5 was an accomplishment. Thank God those days are behind us.
6. And speaking of God, last but not least, we are free to worship as we please.  No one hunting us down and burning us alive for our beliefs.  No religious wars in this country, you can be an atheist, a Christian or whatever wacky thing that gets you going, and only you will reap the reward or pay the price for your beliefs.

Joe, your life has been more than fair.  How would you like to be a Jew in Hitler's Germany??  Or a Christian with some muslim caliphate breathing down your neck??  

If that is a little too far removed, have you ever heard of these names??

Casey, Penrod, Winchester, Rakowski??  Young Army pilots I flew with who lost their lives, left wives and kids behind, protecting this great country of ours.  How about Templeton, Manspeaker??  Young Troopers who lost their lives protecting our Colorado way of life.  Have you ever heard of Hofacker, Hee, Kook, Cutrone??  Young Troopers whose bodies and lives will forever bear the scars of protecting us from societal ass hats hell bent on murder and savagery.  

Joe, your cancer is not brought on by you, unfortunately you have lost a genetic lottery, although in your mid-60's that's not too bad.  You can't control your genes, but you can control your attitude.  At this point, it is not about you, it is about uplifting those around you.  

Joe...you may be ungrateful for the life you have led, but I am not.  I am grateful for everyday the good Lord gave me.  If it is a few less than I had in mind, or if they are tougher than the nirvana in my dreams then so be it. 

We have both been given this little gift and I refuse to be defined by it.   

I'll show you mine if you show me yours

Has anyone ever said that to you?  "I'll show you mine if you show me yours?"  

I can remember being in the first grade and having my first encounter with that little phrase.  And now, about 40 years later I am offering it to you.  Get your head out of the gutter!!!  I'm talking about cancer, this is my cancer blog after all.

During the early phases of this, mainly before I had a diagnosis, there was one question that was asked repeatedly, "What stage are you?"  I didn't have an answer, just a blank stare and a shrug of the shoulders.  Then you find out that with lymphoma, the stage really doesn't matter when compared to other cancers.  Stage 4 lymphoma is drastically different than Stage 4 melanoma or bone cancer because lymphoma is a blood cancer, not a hard body tumor cancer.  

Lymphoma moves around you, it may ebb and flow as your body fights it, or at least my kind is like that.  

So here is my official diagnosis: Classic Hodgkins Lymphoma - Lymphocyte rich, nodular sclerosis - Stage 3.

As far as lymphoma's go, and there are about a dozen kind, this is a good one to have.  Yesterday before my 3rd treatment I met with the oncologist, he was very positive about the treatments so far, and is still thinking a cure is in my future.  In discussing the options of what will happen if I'm not cured, well that is not good.  The road will be much more difficult and dangerous if that happens.

So back to staging, lymphoma is staged based on a variety of factors.  The main ones being:

• Is it on both sides of the diaghram? Both sides is automatically stage Stage 3, one side is Stage 2 or 1.
• Is it in any organs?  You can be Stage 3 and have it in organs or not, it just depends on your disease.  I don't have it in any organs.
• Is the cancer in the bone marrow, liver, spinal fluid or lungs? If yes, it is Stage 4.

Then there are a whole host of other "prognostic factors" that are involved.  Mine are generally "favorable" but it really doesn't matter much.  The treatment is exactly the same.  Chemo, chemo and more chemo. 

Now the I'll show you mine part.  Below is my actual PET scan done in early January.  I've marked the cancer spots with arrows to help with your diagnosis.  This is just one picture out of about 1,000 they take of you. They basically slice you into about 1,000 little pictures moving from you head to about your knees, but this is the main overview to show where cancer is.

  

I didn't include the pelvic region for obvious reasons, but there is cancer there also.  Above and below my diaphragm, not in organs, so stage 3 it is. You can see there are about 6 hot spots around my heart.  In earlier blogs I discussed having some heart palpation's and this may very well have been the cause of it.

So where is everything at now?  My 4th treatment is scheduled for today and a new PET scan is scheduled for next week.  The Doc needs to see what progress, or lack of, the chemo has been having.  If the current regiment is not getting the job done I will most likely start a different kind of chemo.  The next kind is called "BEACOPP" and is typically used in Germany. 

Thanks so much for reading the blog.  Believe me, knowing you are supporting me really helps with the psyche.  

Also, thanks a bunch for the Loveland Fire Dept.  They did an amazing fundraiser for lymphoma and we were able to go up there and meet all the wonderful folks responsible for a great event.  The event was really a partnership between the CSP and the Fire Dept so it was awesome.  

A very special thanks to Gil and Tiffany.  YOU GUYS ARE THE BEST AND THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!