Chemo Ports, A Fib and a Room with a View

Nobody told me cancer would be easy.  I'm not the type to see rainbows and think happy thoughts as I move through the world, much more inclined to identify pro's and cons, measure odds, prepare for the worst then just go for it.  The other night I had an experience that completely blindsided me, was potentially deadly and really opened my eyes to this little adventure I'm on.

This last week I've had a number of tests and procedures:

1. A multigated acquisition (MUGA) scan:  not a bad test at all.  They draw blood, put some type of radioactive isotope in it, then re-inject you with it.  Before starting chemo they need to make sure your heart is strong enough to handle the toxicity of the drugs.  The only know side effect is when you get angry, you tend to turn green and rampage around town, but thankfully that hasn't happened yet.  
   
2. Pulmonary Function test:  blow in a tube for about 30 minutes then leave.  Super simple, one test where nobody pokes you with needles...thankfully.
3. MediPort installation: more later but the turning point for the week.  Affectionately called the "little bastard." 
4. Electrocardiogram (ECG): Yep, here comes the heart issue.
5. Arrhythmia drugs: oh crap this is real.
6. 6 Blood draws plus a fun little IV

So what happened?  The MUGA and pulmonary test were conducted on Monday, the technicians were fantastic, as usual, the tests went perfect and all indications were that my body is in great shape to start chemo.  Tuesday was the day to get my "port." A port is a small little device with a reservoir and silicone bubble they put under your skin so they don't have to tap the veins in your arms for meds and chemo drugs.  The reservoir is attached to a catheter which is threaded into some big vein, superior vena cava, for example, and stops at your right atrium.

Now most often, this little bastard gets put in with no issues whatsoever, but here at the Funwithcueballs household, we are over achievers.  I got home around 5p from the procedure and felt really sore.  This was probably the most painful procedure yet. I took 2 pain killers and hung out on the couch.  Then at around 10p I took one more and went to bed. The moment my head hit the pillow my heart made an amazing transformation, it went from life-giver to two rabid squirrels fighting over an acorn.  I could feel my upper chambers giving my lower chambers the finger and begin a sprint toward some imaginary finish line.  My lower chambers just could not keep up so they decided to line dance in perfect 3 step timing hoping to snag a beat or two from the upper.  Then just as my panic hit an all time high, the pain killer kicked in and I fell asleep.  After a fitful night, I was out of bed at 0630 and waiting to get the kids to school so I could tell my angel wife what was going on.  We were in the ER by 0830.

When your heart does this, you are not yourself mentally.  The heart produces about 20% less pumping action and therefore you lose quite a bit of mental capacity.  I was in a complete fog while my wife took me to the ER, not incoherent but not really processing things correctly either.  By 9 am I was on a gurney, they hooked me up to an EKG and my resting heart rate was over 150 beats per minute.  Squeezing out a fart would jump my rate to 170, then it would drop to 130 then rebound to 150.  So here comes the therapy.

I don't know what they gave me, but here is how the conversation went:

     "Mr. Fun, nice to meet you, I'm Doctor Heartstopper"

     "Well hello Dr. Heartstopper"

     "Glad to see you are naked, yep your keister is in the right place.  You never know when sunshine needs to be pumped"

     "Yes Doctor I know"

     "Well, we are going to give you drugs to slow your heart down and change the rhythm.  We will do 3 rounds, or so, and if it doesn't work we will go to plan B."

     "Plan B?  Pray tell Doctor!"

     "Cardiovert!!!"

     "That doesn't sound too bad"  Now remember I'm operating on 20% less brain function.

     "Well patient, it's not, we just zap your heart, stop it from beating, and really hope to start it again.  See ya in a couple of hours."

Ok, not a perfect word for word transcript, but close enough.  As my situation progressed I actually started thinking that a heart stoppage would be a better situation than what was going on now.  Maybe I would see the light, or do that hover thing above my body for a while.  Now that would be super cool, but thankfully it did not happen that way.  

At about 1pm, I was talking to the physicians assistant assigned to me when low and behold, I looked at her and said "it stopped."  Just like that, my heart went back to completely normal, normal sinus rhythm, normal heart beat and a completely normal feeling.  The head cleared, I could concentrate and really understand stuff again, it was fantastic. The PA looked completely astonished, it happened right in front of her and she really seemed excited for the outcome.  Even Dr. Heartstopper was happy about the outcome.  

Around that time another Doc came in, a specialist in internal medicine.  She took a history and really concentrated on the port that was installed the day before.  What seems to have happened, is sometime during my little journey from couch to bed, the port may have moved and "tickled" my heart wall.  This tickling caused my heart to say "what the heck, I'm out of here" and begin its race toward oblivion.  After an echo-cardiogram, you could clearly see my port extending into my right atrium, I was assured it was okay to be there, but ideally they want it a bit more upstream and sitting in the vein.  

Now the fun part.  After all was well, and after being on a gurney for 7 hours, I started to get a little bored.  I could see the machine that was transmitting my vitals to some telemetry unit and decided to have a little fun. 

 It really is an amazing thing what holding your breath until you are ready to pass out does to your vital signs.  Heart rate slows, of course breathing shows zero and the pulse oximeter begins the weird little countdown toward zero.  So there I was, turning blue and having a hell of a fun time setting off all the bells and whistles warning of a problem.  But more importantly, I needed to see if my ticker was okay, was the little bastard still affecting me, or could I take a bit of stress.  Probably not the best way to find out, but it was fun anyway.

The internal medicine Doctor admitted me for observation and away I went to the room.  I stayed at Skyridge hospital and boy oh boy have hospitals come a long way.  It was like a 3 star hotel room with the wonderful views of the Rocky Mountains.  I actually ordered room service from a menu for dinner, no Salisbury steak and canned veggies, but actual slow cooked pot roast, broccoli and a great desert.  The TV worked, I could order movies and ended up having a little cardiac induced vacation for the night.  

Now about Dr. Heartsopper and the staff at Skyridge.  WOW!!!! Wonderful, caring folks indeed!!  I am still amazed at the level of caring and empathy these medical professionals display.  You are truly amazing and thank you for all you do!!!