When you find out you have cancer you begin an amazing
journey and learn things you just shouldn’t have to learn. You learn way too much about the medical
profession, its drawback and limitations.
You become an insurance expert and constantly balance the need for
treatment against insurance that wants to pay as little as possible. You become part psychologist as you try your
darndest to understand the motivation of some well-meaning folks around you.
You will have things said to you that are not meant to be
hurtful or cruel, but because of your damaged state, can really have an impact
on you. People that are well, or have
not had cancer, really don’t understand what is going on inside the mind of a
cancer patient. I certainly didn’t, and
have probably said some really stupid stuff to folks that were suffering. So I’ve listed the 10 worst things that have
been said to me, they are in no particular order and I really believe that the
person’s saying them didn’t mean anything bad, it is just a well person and a
cancer person speaking different languages to each other.
·
“You’ll
be fine.” This one really irks me,
you have no idea what I’ll be, how long my life may be, what the “quality” of
life may be, hell my doctor doesn’t even know.
·
“My uncle
died from that.” Oh thanks for that
one…..moron.
·
“Are you
ready to meet your maker?” This one
really took me by surprise. No questions
about prognosis or how am I doing, nope, this one was first out of the chute
when I told this person what was going on.
·
“Wow…cancer
huh? I once had a really sore neck that
took quite a while to heal, but I'm fine now.” I never
thought in talking to folks there would be competing diagnoses. If it is a competition though, I’m pretty
sure the C word trumps anything that is sore.
·
“I have
this supplement you can buy and it cures cancer.” No kidding…cures cancer ay? I know chemo can cure cancer and it has been
used millions of times. Will you bet
your life on some supplement or on methods that have been shown to work?
·
“Keep a
positive attitude and you will beat this.”
Wow, let’s blame the victim here.
So if I die, I guess it is because of my attitude? My individual cells have attitude barometers
that will judge either for or against my life.
The only thing a positive attitude does for certain is make those around
you feel better about your plight. That
can be a good thing, but it doesn’t cure cancer.
·
“If you
were in tune with your body you would have caught it earlier.” This was a jump out of my skin moment. I was stage 3 with cancer all over my upper
body and never felt a thing. I rode my
mountain bike over 1200 miles the summer before my diagnosis and was in some of
the best shape of my life. This is the fallacy of all the wholistic crap floating around. This morning I spoke with my oncology nurse and we specifically discussed diet etc. She has plenty of patients that shop at whole foods, are vegans, are on paleo and those who eat bad. Cancer is a crap shoot, no amount of cross fit or meditation will keep it away from you. Yea I probably sound a bit bitter, but I tried to take care of myself and look what happenned.
·
“Holy
crap how many chemo treatments? What
stage are you?” This one just stands
on its own.
·
“Did you
get lazy while on chemo?”
ARGGGGGHHHH!!!! If I had enough
energy I’d reach out and pop you right in the kisser, but I’m too tired to even
think so I’m gonna take a nap.
The real difference between a well person and a cancer
person is that we have absolutely no where to feel safe. Before I got cancer, I always could find a
place of safety, it could be home, in my office or with my family. That has been completely stripped away and
now there is no place of safety or refuge.
I’ve been a pilot for over 25 years and a state trooper for 20; do you
think I’ve experienced a fair share of fear and anxiety? But none of those experiences prepared me for
the absolute emotional destruction of a cancer diagnosis, knowing I carry this
evil bastard everywhere I go. When a
well person goes to sleep at night and has a bad dream, they can wake up, shake
it off, pull the covers over their head and all is well. When cancer is the bad dream, you wake up but
can’t shake it off, it is part of your anatomy and it is actively trying to
kill you. My guess is this is the same
thought process someone with ALS or MS or some other terminal disease goes
through, not just folks with cancer. I
don’t expect a well person to understand and there is probably some eye rolling
by some who are reading this post. Well
if that’s you, please enjoy your charmed life while you can because someday
your eyes may roll back far enough to see exactly what I am talking about.
And now the update:
my cancer is back and in full force.
What the Doc’s thought might be granuloma is now thought to be
cancer. I am currently in the hospital
for 3 days getting the crap knocked out of me with new chemotherapy. It is called R-ICE, and it is a beautiful
experience. Last night I broke out in
uncontrollable scratching, uncontrollable shivering and then the shot of
Benadryl came and took my cares away. My
bloods are a bit hokey due to being so close to my last chemo rounds, but not
too bad.
If you are looking for a way to support me, prayer is always
a great thing. If this chemo works then
I’m off to stem cell transplant and hopefully a cure. See…this chemo is not meant to cure me, it is
meant to rid my body and bone marrow of the cancer so I can receive a
transplant of my own stem cells. This
road is really crazy right now and there is a fair share of crap or success that
can happen.
On the bright side, the food here is fantastic and the
medical staff has been top notch, but for $73,000 per night I guess I can expect that. Get good insurance folks, if you don't have it then get a good bankruptcy attorney.
Cheers!!
