Modesty was never my strong suit and after being poked and prodded over the last 6 weeks it is even lower on my list of priorities. This will be a quick story of how all this came to be.
Fear is really an amazing motivating factor. I have 3 great, completely baseless and not grounded in reality, fears in my life, in no particular order they are:
1 - Mountain lions...my fear of a mountain lion is so ridiculous and baseless it can paralyze me to think there may be one around regardless of where I'm at. I actually thought of putting "eyeballs" on the back of my mountain bike helmet after a good friend of mine concocted a story of mountain lion attacks in Douglas County. As far as I'm concerned, they are able to fly, swim and call in drone strikes to slaughter their prey.
2- Heights...yes as a pilot for over 24 years I am deathly afraid of heights. Putting up Christmas lights every year at my house is a grueling, horrific experience of having to be 5 feet off the ground on a ladder. My wife has finally relented to this phobia and does not require me to be on the rooftop. I guess after seeing me year after year crawling around on my belly with tears rolling down my face the hilarity of it has worn off. Did you know that mountain lions actually live on roof tops??
C- Testicle pain...I've been hit twice in my nether region where I thought one of them was actually going to pop out of my mouth. You know the sickening feeling of intense searing pain, immediate large scale diarrhea and the sudden urge to vomit yesterdays breakfast. If I had my way, my 2 little friends down there would be lying on a puffy cloud as cherubs lightly rub them down with frankincense while a harp plays Jerry Lee Lewis's "Great Balls of Fire." So after about 4 weeks of a really weird pain in my right one, I went in to see my doctor.
With any great phobia comes great responsibility, and I had a responsibility to figure out what the heck was happening. As an avid mountain biker I have had pain in that area before, mainly due to bad bike shorts or some other mechanical intervention, but this was a little different. This woke me up at night when I would roll over, any movement was super sore and at times it felt like a needle was shot through the back my hip and all the way through my right nut. Sounds fun doesn't it??
Now, my doctor is a fantastic human being, he is a graduate of West Point, sharp as a tack and really one of the nicest caring people you could possibly meet. With that said, I still had a fear that he would break out a pair of crocodile shears to complete the exam. So there I stood, pants down, sweating profusely, searing pain in my mind and certainly elsewhere while this gentle soul completed the exam. "Matt" he said, "I don't feel a hernia, lets do an ultrasound." Thank the Good Lord Above that he said that. Just a couple weeks later the pain went completely away, none left what so ever. It peaked about a week before Christmas and in hindsight, if it weren't for the pain I would have never found out about cancer. Yes, my right nut is now my favorite, back to cloud status, cherubs and harps. It may very well have saved my life!!
A quick note about the medical process and modesty. Most folks, until they become sick, have this defensive attitude toward their bodies and who sees them. After the last 6 weeks, I now realize that getting well requires you to completely release that modesty and just accept the fact that medical professionals do their best work when your keister is hanging out of a flimsy, front covering gown. The conversation has typically gone like this:
"Hello Doc"
"Hello patient, get naked and put this gown on so your butt hangs out"
"Well ok, but (no pun intended) I am just here to get a prescription"
"Listen patient, what you fail to understand is that life saving sunshine is pumped straight into your rectum in the event of an emergency"
"Oh...ok doc, but can I keep my socks on?"
"Dear God man, get a grip on yourself, socks are a witches brew and the work of the devil!!"
"Oh...sorry doc"
Yea, maybe a little over the top, but not by much. You spend a lot of time trying not to leave a backside snail trail as you sit all but naked on the finest naugahyde your health insurance can buy.
The tests are the funnest part, ultra sound, CT scan, PET scan, Testicular ultra sound, blood work, biopsies and surgery.....but more on those later.
Fun With Cue Balls
Mountain lions love chasing mountain bikes...a lot. It's just science. I love you, buddy!
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