Hey folks
Thanks for coming to my blog on the trials and tribulations of Hodgkins Lymphoma. This is the first blog and I want to give you a little background on the strange world you have decided to partake in.
First and foremost, it is a hard realization when you have been diagnosed with cancer. As cancer goes, this is a good one to have, sort of like deciding which type of gun would you rather be shot with " a .22 is so much more survivable than a .357." They both stink, but you know where I'm going with this metaphor. Understand this a journey that most will go through, the fact you are reading this shows your willingness to jump on board and share it with me.
Thank you, but let's get a few ground rules in place before we begin.
This is MY view on what is going on around me and is not intended to make a broader statement concerning cancer, its implications or its politics. If you are of the activist type, please know that I am not. My main concern right now is how much of my finely quaffed hair will end up in the shower drain, not too concerned about cancer research, support groups or governmental funding. Yes this may be short sighted, but I'm 45 and being short sighted is a natural occurrence as you age.
Please understand that my viewpoints come from a very simple understanding of what a quality life means. Tomorrow my youngest and I will spend the day in the garage working on his YZ 85. We will be wrenching the whole day away, listening to 80's rock and me smoking a quality briar with even better quality baccy, probably my last one for a while. The day after that, I will be teaching my oldest on the finer points of changing the oil on a 95 Nissan Pathfinder. Good Times!!
God, Family, Country...or sometimes Family, Country, God....or maybe Country, God, Family....This is my natural, really simple order of the universe. As you can see, they will get mixed up, divide by 3, then reduced to the lowest common denominator, but they are a constant that has always added meaning and purpose to my existence. If you can't find value in at least one of these than I feel sorry for you. You are probably a very confused and misdirected soul looking for answers in the short term instead of the long term, blaming your mother for her being human and only finding satisfaction in your most recent purchase, which you will bury in a closet never to be seen again.
I have an absolute belief in God, but I am not in any way an evangelist. I'm a recovering Baptist and have found a wonderful home at the First United Methodist Church of Castle Rock. My guiding principal is Matthew 5:9, which really explains my career choices in life.
Lastly, I will never mention anyone, air dirty laundry or use this as an attack machine. Some of my musings will probably amalgamate scenarios and folks to get my point across but there will never be harm directed at anyone, situations yes, but you NO. I promise to be honest, little to no P.C. but all real.
Good luck
Fun with cue balls
Riding Unicorns and Farting Cotton Candy
So here we are, post number 2 of this little adventure. Before being told that I have cancer, I was just like you. Plodding along in life, trying to do the right things, taking care of my health, eating mostly the right foods, while exercising and just trying to live this wonderful life that Colorado gives us. It was an amazing existence, finally I felt that the fruits of my labor were coming home to roost and in a very good way. My kids are teenagers, and good ones at that, my wife is a complete saint, I have friends that are more like family and a job that I am so damn proud of it hurts.
For those of you that don't know me that well, my life has been a terrific ride. I grew up mainly in North Dakota in a small and wonderful town. A town that taught the value of hard work, if you were willing to learn it, and a town, that like so many others that dot the American landscape, showed young men and women what it meant to be part of a community. Those of you that grew up in small towns know exactly what I am talking about, you can't be a faceless number in a small town, everyone knows you and your family's business. This can be a motivating force in your life and in mine it certainly was.
I turned 21 in Army Flight School down at good ol' Ft. Rucker, Alabama. I had already been in the National Guard for 4 years, going to basic training between my junior and senior year of high school. Newly married to the love of my life, soon to be an Army pilot and Warrant Officer things were good, damn good. The Army sent me to Ft. Carson, Colorado and thank God it did. I was sent to the most beautiful state in the country, with the Rocky Mountains as a backdrop to my everyday, I knew this was it, this was home.
My stint in the Army over, and unfortunately after losing too many friends to the dangers that is Army flying, I got out and was accepted into the Colroado State Patrol. I know every LEO and fire fighter is proud of their organization, but I actually have a reason to be :] Like all Troopers, I've faced blinding snow storms and the carnage they bring, arrested some of the worst that society has to offer, been called to quell riots, investigated death and helped save lives. I've flown governors all over the country, looked for snipers and cop killers, tracked beetle kill, forest fires, helped with homicide investigations, taken life saving medicine to rural communities and so much more, it is hard to list it all. Yep, after 20 years, 3 moves and 3 promotions I had arrived, firmly seated on top of the multi-sparkled beast called my life, I was riding a unicorn and farting cotton candy.
Then in December I went to the doctors office for what I thought was a hernia.......boy was I wrong.
For those of you that don't know me that well, my life has been a terrific ride. I grew up mainly in North Dakota in a small and wonderful town. A town that taught the value of hard work, if you were willing to learn it, and a town, that like so many others that dot the American landscape, showed young men and women what it meant to be part of a community. Those of you that grew up in small towns know exactly what I am talking about, you can't be a faceless number in a small town, everyone knows you and your family's business. This can be a motivating force in your life and in mine it certainly was.
I turned 21 in Army Flight School down at good ol' Ft. Rucker, Alabama. I had already been in the National Guard for 4 years, going to basic training between my junior and senior year of high school. Newly married to the love of my life, soon to be an Army pilot and Warrant Officer things were good, damn good. The Army sent me to Ft. Carson, Colorado and thank God it did. I was sent to the most beautiful state in the country, with the Rocky Mountains as a backdrop to my everyday, I knew this was it, this was home.
My stint in the Army over, and unfortunately after losing too many friends to the dangers that is Army flying, I got out and was accepted into the Colroado State Patrol. I know every LEO and fire fighter is proud of their organization, but I actually have a reason to be :] Like all Troopers, I've faced blinding snow storms and the carnage they bring, arrested some of the worst that society has to offer, been called to quell riots, investigated death and helped save lives. I've flown governors all over the country, looked for snipers and cop killers, tracked beetle kill, forest fires, helped with homicide investigations, taken life saving medicine to rural communities and so much more, it is hard to list it all. Yep, after 20 years, 3 moves and 3 promotions I had arrived, firmly seated on top of the multi-sparkled beast called my life, I was riding a unicorn and farting cotton candy.
Then in December I went to the doctors office for what I thought was a hernia.......boy was I wrong.
My Favorite Testicle
Modesty was never my strong suit and after being poked and prodded over the last 6 weeks it is even lower on my list of priorities. This will be a quick story of how all this came to be.
Fear is really an amazing motivating factor. I have 3 great, completely baseless and not grounded in reality, fears in my life, in no particular order they are:
1 - Mountain lions...my fear of a mountain lion is so ridiculous and baseless it can paralyze me to think there may be one around regardless of where I'm at. I actually thought of putting "eyeballs" on the back of my mountain bike helmet after a good friend of mine concocted a story of mountain lion attacks in Douglas County. As far as I'm concerned, they are able to fly, swim and call in drone strikes to slaughter their prey.
2- Heights...yes as a pilot for over 24 years I am deathly afraid of heights. Putting up Christmas lights every year at my house is a grueling, horrific experience of having to be 5 feet off the ground on a ladder. My wife has finally relented to this phobia and does not require me to be on the rooftop. I guess after seeing me year after year crawling around on my belly with tears rolling down my face the hilarity of it has worn off. Did you know that mountain lions actually live on roof tops??
C- Testicle pain...I've been hit twice in my nether region where I thought one of them was actually going to pop out of my mouth. You know the sickening feeling of intense searing pain, immediate large scale diarrhea and the sudden urge to vomit yesterdays breakfast. If I had my way, my 2 little friends down there would be lying on a puffy cloud as cherubs lightly rub them down with frankincense while a harp plays Jerry Lee Lewis's "Great Balls of Fire." So after about 4 weeks of a really weird pain in my right one, I went in to see my doctor.
With any great phobia comes great responsibility, and I had a responsibility to figure out what the heck was happening. As an avid mountain biker I have had pain in that area before, mainly due to bad bike shorts or some other mechanical intervention, but this was a little different. This woke me up at night when I would roll over, any movement was super sore and at times it felt like a needle was shot through the back my hip and all the way through my right nut. Sounds fun doesn't it??
Now, my doctor is a fantastic human being, he is a graduate of West Point, sharp as a tack and really one of the nicest caring people you could possibly meet. With that said, I still had a fear that he would break out a pair of crocodile shears to complete the exam. So there I stood, pants down, sweating profusely, searing pain in my mind and certainly elsewhere while this gentle soul completed the exam. "Matt" he said, "I don't feel a hernia, lets do an ultrasound." Thank the Good Lord Above that he said that. Just a couple weeks later the pain went completely away, none left what so ever. It peaked about a week before Christmas and in hindsight, if it weren't for the pain I would have never found out about cancer. Yes, my right nut is now my favorite, back to cloud status, cherubs and harps. It may very well have saved my life!!
A quick note about the medical process and modesty. Most folks, until they become sick, have this defensive attitude toward their bodies and who sees them. After the last 6 weeks, I now realize that getting well requires you to completely release that modesty and just accept the fact that medical professionals do their best work when your keister is hanging out of a flimsy, front covering gown. The conversation has typically gone like this:
"Hello Doc"
"Hello patient, get naked and put this gown on so your butt hangs out"
"Well ok, but (no pun intended) I am just here to get a prescription"
"Listen patient, what you fail to understand is that life saving sunshine is pumped straight into your rectum in the event of an emergency"
"Oh...ok doc, but can I keep my socks on?"
"Dear God man, get a grip on yourself, socks are a witches brew and the work of the devil!!"
"Oh...sorry doc"
Yea, maybe a little over the top, but not by much. You spend a lot of time trying not to leave a backside snail trail as you sit all but naked on the finest naugahyde your health insurance can buy.
The tests are the funnest part, ultra sound, CT scan, PET scan, Testicular ultra sound, blood work, biopsies and surgery.....but more on those later.
Fun With Cue Balls
Fear is really an amazing motivating factor. I have 3 great, completely baseless and not grounded in reality, fears in my life, in no particular order they are:
1 - Mountain lions...my fear of a mountain lion is so ridiculous and baseless it can paralyze me to think there may be one around regardless of where I'm at. I actually thought of putting "eyeballs" on the back of my mountain bike helmet after a good friend of mine concocted a story of mountain lion attacks in Douglas County. As far as I'm concerned, they are able to fly, swim and call in drone strikes to slaughter their prey.
2- Heights...yes as a pilot for over 24 years I am deathly afraid of heights. Putting up Christmas lights every year at my house is a grueling, horrific experience of having to be 5 feet off the ground on a ladder. My wife has finally relented to this phobia and does not require me to be on the rooftop. I guess after seeing me year after year crawling around on my belly with tears rolling down my face the hilarity of it has worn off. Did you know that mountain lions actually live on roof tops??
C- Testicle pain...I've been hit twice in my nether region where I thought one of them was actually going to pop out of my mouth. You know the sickening feeling of intense searing pain, immediate large scale diarrhea and the sudden urge to vomit yesterdays breakfast. If I had my way, my 2 little friends down there would be lying on a puffy cloud as cherubs lightly rub them down with frankincense while a harp plays Jerry Lee Lewis's "Great Balls of Fire." So after about 4 weeks of a really weird pain in my right one, I went in to see my doctor.
With any great phobia comes great responsibility, and I had a responsibility to figure out what the heck was happening. As an avid mountain biker I have had pain in that area before, mainly due to bad bike shorts or some other mechanical intervention, but this was a little different. This woke me up at night when I would roll over, any movement was super sore and at times it felt like a needle was shot through the back my hip and all the way through my right nut. Sounds fun doesn't it??
Now, my doctor is a fantastic human being, he is a graduate of West Point, sharp as a tack and really one of the nicest caring people you could possibly meet. With that said, I still had a fear that he would break out a pair of crocodile shears to complete the exam. So there I stood, pants down, sweating profusely, searing pain in my mind and certainly elsewhere while this gentle soul completed the exam. "Matt" he said, "I don't feel a hernia, lets do an ultrasound." Thank the Good Lord Above that he said that. Just a couple weeks later the pain went completely away, none left what so ever. It peaked about a week before Christmas and in hindsight, if it weren't for the pain I would have never found out about cancer. Yes, my right nut is now my favorite, back to cloud status, cherubs and harps. It may very well have saved my life!!
A quick note about the medical process and modesty. Most folks, until they become sick, have this defensive attitude toward their bodies and who sees them. After the last 6 weeks, I now realize that getting well requires you to completely release that modesty and just accept the fact that medical professionals do their best work when your keister is hanging out of a flimsy, front covering gown. The conversation has typically gone like this:
"Hello Doc"
"Hello patient, get naked and put this gown on so your butt hangs out"
"Well ok, but (no pun intended) I am just here to get a prescription"
"Listen patient, what you fail to understand is that life saving sunshine is pumped straight into your rectum in the event of an emergency"
"Oh...ok doc, but can I keep my socks on?"
"Dear God man, get a grip on yourself, socks are a witches brew and the work of the devil!!"
"Oh...sorry doc"
Yea, maybe a little over the top, but not by much. You spend a lot of time trying not to leave a backside snail trail as you sit all but naked on the finest naugahyde your health insurance can buy.
The tests are the funnest part, ultra sound, CT scan, PET scan, Testicular ultra sound, blood work, biopsies and surgery.....but more on those later.
Fun With Cue Balls
Making the World Right
If you're a Star Trek fan you are going to be sorely disappointed with cancer testing and diagnosis. The thought of laying in the medical bay while "Seven of Nine" stands over you with a tri-corder and an instant diagnosis is a great fantasy, but reality is really something different.
I first saw my doctor on December 12, and since December 22, I've had the following tests:
I first saw my doctor on December 12, and since December 22, I've had the following tests:
- Ultrasound - not invasive at all. Super easy, a bit ticklish and done in 20 minutes.
- CT scan- this was done on Christmas Eve. After being told I had an unidentified mass in my pelvis, I felt like a man walking toward the gallows going to this test.
- Blood tests- Blood, Blood and lots of Blood in a cancer diagnosis.
- PET Scan - My darkest day in this whole episode. This is when you have a realization that highly trained professionals, who have given the better part of their life to understanding and treating cancer, believe you have cancer.
- Testicular ultrasound - Ok, this was not fun for me, see blog above, the doctor prescribed anti-anxiety meds which were AWESOME!!! No wonder so many folks are addicted to modern pharmaceuticals.
- Pelvic Biopsy - Otherwise called "fun with long needles!" At least the meds are good.
- More Blood tests
- Mediastinal Surgery - Needed to get a really "hot" lymph node next to my aorta because the pelvic biopsy showed no cancer.
- Heart Function Test
- Lung Function Test
- Chemo Port installed
During these procedures the medical staff has been unbelievably, undeniably, unmistakably FANTASTIC!!!!! If any of the folks who have helped me over the last 2 months are reading this, please know you have been true professionals and the level of caring and compassion is really amazing.
Think of a person't usual experience with customer service, maybe a smile from the clerk at the grocery store, or a pleasant IT rep as you try to diagnose a computer issue or your mechanic cutting you a break after they fix your car. Well, the folks responsible for all my tests have been on another planet when it comes to seeing me through this. THANK YOU!!!! A great many organizations could learn a valuable lesson from you when it comes to taking care of people.
The crazy thing about these tests is not so much the pain or side effects that are involved, but each one is a troubled monument on the scenic byway between the old life and my new one. When you are on this fun little detour, prior to a diagnosis, you are damaged goods. Don't expect to think or act the same, you feel like you are standing in the deep end of a pool while an unknown force controls the tube allowing you to breathe. You don't know at what moment the air will be shut off or if you will be allowed to walk to the shallow end, so you just stand there, in this limbo that becomes your life until a diagnosis.
Few people would describe me as emotional, I'm a firm believer that most guys have basically 3 emotions; Pissed, Happy or Horny. That's about it, so the first few weeks of this was a real eye opener, then just before my surgery I got Pissed and all was right with the world.
Think of a person't usual experience with customer service, maybe a smile from the clerk at the grocery store, or a pleasant IT rep as you try to diagnose a computer issue or your mechanic cutting you a break after they fix your car. Well, the folks responsible for all my tests have been on another planet when it comes to seeing me through this. THANK YOU!!!! A great many organizations could learn a valuable lesson from you when it comes to taking care of people.
The crazy thing about these tests is not so much the pain or side effects that are involved, but each one is a troubled monument on the scenic byway between the old life and my new one. When you are on this fun little detour, prior to a diagnosis, you are damaged goods. Don't expect to think or act the same, you feel like you are standing in the deep end of a pool while an unknown force controls the tube allowing you to breathe. You don't know at what moment the air will be shut off or if you will be allowed to walk to the shallow end, so you just stand there, in this limbo that becomes your life until a diagnosis.
Few people would describe me as emotional, I'm a firm believer that most guys have basically 3 emotions; Pissed, Happy or Horny. That's about it, so the first few weeks of this was a real eye opener, then just before my surgery I got Pissed and all was right with the world.
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