I was starting my sophomore year in high school, really getting into the meat of what it means to be a teenager. Living in a small town, having girl friends and trying beer for the first time, yep living the teenage American dream. In our town, rated R certainly did not stop enterprising 15 year old's from seeing a movie or two or three. Nope, we had it down to a science, just wait for a group of adults to show up and follow them in, easy peasy. Well, that year I saw what I thought was the scariest movie ever made, and little did I know that 30 years later it would become all to real.
Cancer IS Freddy!!!!!
One two, Freddy's coming for you....Three four, better lock the door....Five six, grab your crucifix....Seven eight, gonna stay up late....Nine ten, never sleep again!!!
Freddy, a scarred and disfigured murderer who is condemned to walk the halls of peoples dreams. A boogeyman incarnate for my generation, something you try not to think about when you are awake when the sun is up and shining, but an unknown terror once your head hits the pillow and sleep overtakes you. You can control your thoughts during the day, make the bad go away, concentrate on family, friends and work. At night is when the real surprises hit, when the boogeyman comes out to play and your fears become a tortured reality. At times you awake steaming with fear and anticipation of what your life may become, telling yourself over and over it was just a dream and reaching for a solid indication you are at home safe. Then you realize that home is not safe, living inside you is that meandering little murderer that has taken so many real lives and has maimed so many others.
On CHRISTmas eve 2014, after finishing the CT scan and after having a fantastic CHRISTmas party at our neighbor's house, I sat on the couch and looked at the tree. My two sons, already in bed and filled with anticipation for what tomorrow would bring, my beautiful wife upstairs getting ready for a night's sleep, and me just sitting there. A very strange moment indeed when I realized that on the day we celebrate the birth of the world's Savior, a door opened to my life and in walked Freddy, always with me now whether I am awake or asleep. Always tickling me with those long knives during the day, but at night he tightens the glove and begins to poke and stab, chasing me around my dreams until I relent.
But I won't relent, rot in hell Freddy!!!
The nightmares are not as frequent now as they were during the first month of this little adventure. Every night I would wake up, sometimes gasping for air, recovering from a dream of being drowned, or running a race where there were no finish lines with some slow unrelenting force chasing me down. Thankfully they are farther and fewer in between, I think having a diagnosis and knowing what the treatment will be really helps with the psyche.
I am going to share one that has stuck in my mind, left me panicking at 2 am, telling myself over and over it was just a dream, that I was home safe...well you know how that goes.
#1 - The Flight, The Crash, The Cancer Ward
A little background - An extremely good friend of mine, an absolute part of my family, is also a pilot. This is a buddy, lets call him Ron, that I would trust with my life and will no doubt be a part of me for as long as I live. So now the dream.
I was taking Ron on a flight to Hayden Colorado. Hayden is a small town just West of Steamboat Springs. My wife and I lived there for a few years during my first duty assignment. Hayden is a typical small town, but has an "international" airport to service the ski traffic going in and out of Steamboat.
It was a beautiful sun shiny day. Fresh snow on the ground, the runway recently plowed with large snow drifts on either side and airliners filled with skiers hopped in and out of the airport. Ron wanted to fly but it wasn't my plane. It was a plane I flew for work and I knew letting him fly would be violating a great many policies and procedures, but off he went as I stood by the runway and watched.
He made two passes, doing just fine, then out of the blue came a regional jet. The jet was on final approach, announcing his position and doing everything just right. Ron, unfamiliar with the airport, narrowly missed the jet then lost control and crashed into a snow bank. Fearing the death of my brother from another mother, I ran to the crash site. Ron walked out just fine, then it hit me, my boss would have to know.
Now as dreams so often do, I went into fast forward mode. My boss called me into a meeting at Steamboat Springs. A meeting so important, he would come to me and we would have it at the local hospital. He sat there staring at me, saying over and over how bad this was and that action would have to be taken. I plead my case that I had cancer and couldn't afford to lose my job or my health insurance. He just sat there with a grim look on his face and said over and over how something had to be done.
Now in reality, my boss and I have worked together for quite a few years, beginning as peers, but now as my boss, so you know the dynamic. Letting him down is more than a boss/employee situation, it is disappointing someone you respect, and who's opinion you really cherish. So far in the dream I have almost killed one of my dearest friends and have really let down another.
So I sat there in the hospital, feeling the gravity in his voice and studying the disappointment in his face, knowing he would fire me and my cancer treatment would stop. I was trying to hold on to my career of 20 years, couldn't believe how carelessly I could throw it away. Everything I had worked for is now gone and holding on is all I can do.
Then I really had to PEE.
Getting up I walked through 2 gray double doors. Approaching the doors I began to hear the screams and moans of torment. Opening the doors I was met by a large room with 50 beds, a room with no organization but beds just flung into the corners and a disorderly maze that meandered over toward the bathrooms. As I walked through the room, desperately trying to find my way out, a nurse told me I was in the Cancer Ward. But this was no ordinary cancer ward, this was the death ward, and all 50 people where dying. Morphine pumps dripped, some just laid there quietly and others were suffering a violent struggle against Freddy.
In one particular bed was an older, rail thin gentleman with a morphine pump the size of an encephalitic pumpkin. Hospital gown draped over his front and long, spindly arms filled with IV bruises suspended at his side. His face would grimace, the morphine pump would let out a "psst" then tranquility would find him. A peaceful dormancy, kept warm by a narcotic blanked that enveloped his body. I approached him, studying his last moments on earth, relieved that it would be a comfortable end for him and me.
A grimace, psst, tranquility. This went on for several minutes, like a heart beating a regular rhythm. A grimace, psst, tranquility. A grimace, psst, tranquility.
A grimace....nothing. A grimace....nothing. A grimace....eyes suddenly opened wide and fixed on mine. Bloodshot eyes filled with cancer and hate, hate that I was standing there alive, not yet tormented by Freddy, but behind the hate was satisfaction that soon I too would struggle. Satisfaction that Freddy and I would have our little dance, that even though I was alive, he knew I was dead, I just didn't know it yet.
Then the howling began, his mouth, at first strained with pain and suffering, formed a circle. His dry, cracked bloody lips slowly peeled back and teeth gnashed like knives trying to find their mark. The bruise filled arms began to flap in the air as a nurse ran over to pump more morphine but it was too late. Death was with him, he was struggling, trying to get away but being held back, Freddy was winning. I turned and ran, past the patients, past the moaning, down hallways with no clear direction. Freddy was chasing me and I didn't know where to turn, the long knives would find me and begin their poking and slashing. One more hallway, a flickering fluorescent light, more running, more running, more.....
Choking I awoke, heart racing, but in my mind it was real. Laying there gasping with tears streaming down my face, knowing I let my family down, all that I had worked for was gone. Then slowly reality began to set in, the fog of my subconscious war lifted and I laid there, relieved but terrified. The clock read 2:12 am, I could sleep for another 4 hours but no way. I couldn't re-enter that world, couldn't open the door to whatever kingdom Freddy ruled over, tonight my sleeping was over.
It was just a dream.
A dream I will never forget.
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